Confession: The yoga is still all about my ego
For reasons related to work, I’m back briefly to the wonderful world of home practicing. It probably will last a month, time that includes a week down in Encinitas (and so decidedly not practicing on my own).
The first few practices have been a revelation. And not a good one.
I’ve been crunched for time, and so practice has been short. And as I realized I wasn’t getting in all of Primary and that I would need to probably pick and choose when (or if) I could practice, what was my thought or worry?
It wasn’t about my progress through the limbs of Ashtanga. It wasn’t about preparing myself for our December Yatra.
This popped up under ‘superficial yogi’
No, the first, base thought was: “Crap, am I going to gain weight?”
So much for my holier-than-thou take on paddleboard yoga, huh?
I’m struck with uncomfortable evidence that I may be just as superficial as the most annoying person to walk through the doors of pick-your-least-favorite-chain-yoga-studio. (I suppose I knew that, but thought it was getting less true.)
Even after all the yoga, and all the study, am I really just “working out,” still?
Given my gut reaction, I feel I have no choice but to answer, “Yes.”
I’m trying to take some solace in the fact that I both quickly saw and recognized by thoughts and was unnerved by it.
That’s seeing through the web or matrix, as Richard Freeman details in The Mirror of Yoga. So perhaps there’s some progress, some detaching?
But I also feel like I’m right back where I started. Or, perhaps more accurately, as if I haven’t advanced at all.
Strangely, though, that feels just about right, and where I should be. All remains coming. Why would I think that would change, and why would I want it to?
I’m ready to get back on the mat. With no thought to a scale or the tone of my arms.
Posted by Steve
I wouldnt beat myself up over it. As long as your not obsessing I think its healthy to checkl in and make sure you are still in shape. And like you said, you realized what could be going on and checked yourself. Nobodys perfect. Namaste! Xoxo
You are definitely not alone there Steve. I imagine that’s a common reaction for many Ashtangis. I know I’ve had similar thoughts when I’ve been afflicted with injuries – I all too often worry about “how I’m going to exercise” instead of thinking of “how am I going to heal”. It’s illuminating when you have those thoughts because it makes you be really honest with yourself about how you relate to yoga….and engaging in that type of inquiry is an essential step of yoga itself (svadyaya through and through!). Relax – I actually lost weight when I started practicing at home (but sadly, lost stamina for my full practice too).
Steve,
Just wanted to say I love the honesty of your posts. I am sure that many of us connect with the truth of your message.
Thank you again for putting together this website. I am trying to figure out how I can get to the Confluence this time!
Lisa
Making it worse: We’re going to the beach today, when obviously a yoga body is at its most important.
I’ve been told that one should “measure” his/her yoga “progress” in decades.
Wait, not in inches on the waist?